Update

I stumbled upon this blog again, accidentally, only to read everything I wrote when I was still just a naive teen girl. My last entry was 15 November 2012.

That marks 2 years now. I do feel like I lost my literary touch ever since I stopped writing as much as I did.




2015 New Year's resolution : To write as much entries as I possibly can.



Oh, and to not get injured anymore (please pray4tia)

The One That Got Away

Haven't posted anything for months now, and this post would be a very emotional one. By all means, I'm not trying to disrespect anyone. Not intentionally. Hear me out okay?



It's been one month and a week. I still cry whenever I think of her.

Can you imagine losing a friend of yours? Can you imagine losing your own bestfriend? Can you imagine losing someone who becomes so attached and important to you, someone you think of as your own sister? To lose someone who shares so much with you, whom you talk to everyday, exchange bright stories with everyday. Someone who engages and fancy very unusual stuff and, by chance, the same unusual stuff that you do? Can you imagine losing your savior? The only human being you trust 100%  and go to whenever you're down and always know that they'll be able to make hilarious jokes and cheer you up? Who seems to know what exactly to say? Can you imagine losing all that?

I know people usually refer to someone who has passed by using past tense words. I don't want to. I refuse to.

Arwah Nashuha is a bright, cheeky girl. If you weren't close to her you would've thought she was perfectly healthy. Always up and about, making jokes, super hyper at school. I don't know. She was
just... happy. On the outside. Unfortunately, with reasons I dare not to question God for, she had lots of tests along her way in which she fought like a champion. A true fighter. I'm glad the pain for her is over. But I really, really miss her.

I may not have known her for a very very very long time. I may not have been friends with her before I got into secondary school. I may have not been in the same class/form/age as her. But I really do take her as a sister. I still remember how we met. A hilarious co-incidence, followed by hilaaaarious conversations on Twitter. Day by day we kept joking around and sharing stories, exchanging secrets, talking about crushes. She shared her side of the story, where she had all the pain. Like I said, she's a true fighter. Even with all the pain she had to go through she was still there, grinning from ear to ear, helping people without hesitating eventhough she was the one in true pain. How can you not admire her?

I might be too cheesy on this, but it's true. That's how I feel. She is the nicest person I have ever met. So positive. So down to earth. So.. Cua.

I abhor myself for everything. I loathe myself for not tagging along with my parents to visit her and went to school for some stupid project stuff instead. Which makes me hate school even more. But then, that's the only place I hung out with her and had wicked (plus wacko) conversations with her. I despise myself for not having the opportunity to fullfill the promises I made to her. That we made to each other. That we'd go out to celebrate our birthdays as march babies together, but I couldn't go out. It hurts super bad to realize you are the reason your promises to someone weren't fullfilled.

I would go on and on and on about how much I detest me, but I'd rather spare you. I just hope she accepts my apology, if I have ever done anything wrong to her. On purpose or not. I have and will always dedicate to her millions of Al-Fatihah, always. My condolences to her family, her bestfriends, her classmates and anyone else who has lost THE fighter.

But hey, at least she's pain-free. I had prayed everyday that she would recover miraculously but Allah knows best, and He loves her more than anyone in this world can. As for well, us Martians, we lost a champion.


So she's the one who got away, from all the pain. I really miss her, but I'm happy.





"You are always in my heart sutun"

Alast.

Almost 7 months away from this hobby I used to take up, I feel welcomed in this world.


Much has happened. And by much I mean a lot.

I don't really have any hatred towards everybody, but it's just in general. I just hate people who acts like jerks, and mean creeps. And random people. Yeah. Those people. I've learned a lot this year though. Like how some people don't turn out how I thought they would. Like how some people aren't mean, or arrogant, or a freak. Like how, some people are definitely way nicer, funnier and easy to hang out with. Like how there's more than just a smile behind an innocent face. Like how, I'm beginning to be see the beauty in every living things surrounding me. Like how, I'm starting love things again.



I guess it's typical a love-hate thing. Yeah. I guess you can call it that. I don't really know. It depends on the stuff, you know? I hate how mixed up this feeling is. Blegh. So as I said I now opened my eyes wide and see that there's more than meets the eye. I've been a lot friendlier than I used to be. I don't push people away that much. For now. But I still don't open up to people, which is another love-hate thing I do. Not trying to boast, but I feel.... different. Bizarre. In every single little way. What I love the most is that I've created awesome bonds with people I least expected to even be friends with. I mean, how awesome is that? I just hope that nonetheless of whatever happens after this, the bonds will forever remain the same. I'll hang on to this.




Yesterday was a totally memorable day. Utterly superb. I couldn't ask for better. It was SMKBJ's Sports Day and well, you know how I love sports. SMKBJ is the best, especially when it comes to their sports spirit. Everyone just charges up. It's just incredible, how it works. Amazing. During the preparations for this big day, I've made a lot of new friends and throughout the events, the bonds just keep getting stronger and stronger. I love how the events magically make us transform from being strangers to people who joke around together, like brother and sisters, nonetheless of our age differences.




My house, Mars, didn't win. And to be precise, we were at the bottom. To think of it, it was pretty disappointing because of our amazing achievements from the past years. But then. Hey. I mean like, we all had fun right? And that's all that matters. These things are not supposed to be about who wins and who loses. I mean, of course it would be a great honor to win. To get a cool trophy and a decent title. But look on the brightside. We achieved way better things during the process of the special day. Like our bonds, our friendships? All the beautiful memories we created, the inside jokes we had? Those things are what matters. So dear Martians. Don't ever be upset, alright? If you ask me, we've already won. We all won. We're all champions. Jupiter, Earth, Mercury, Mars. We're all champions. We're all winners. And I'm proud to be one of you guys. A huge congratulations to Earth, who performed a great comeback. You guys did a really awesome job.




Writing this, I mean, typing this brings me to tears. Tears of pure joy. We all expected this one to be less fun, since it was held at school. But it turned out great. Really great. I'd thank everyone for being such good sports. And for my seniors who just had their last sports day yesterday, I hope you guys had an incredible time and lots of fun. We wouldn't have had fun without you guys, so thanks a lot! It's been a day. Only a freaking day, but I already miss it loads. Going back to class is gonna be hard, I skipped tons of classes for the event. Looking back at all the trainings, the help we pitched in to make props for our tents, the bittersweet memories, the sprains and sores we got all over our bodies, I'm glad I went through that all. I'm glad I had fun.





I'm still standing. Still proud.

Never Want This To Happen

I have a fear.



I fear that if one chilly night, while I am half asleep, I hear footsteps outside or in the upper living room. I fear that I will hear objects knocking each other, glass shattering on the floor & perhaps even hear ghostly-like whispers between two to five mysterious figures. I fear that out of curiousity, my body leaps up from bed, from my beauty sleep and turn on the lights just in case everything was just my imagination.



I fear that if it is not my imagination, I start hearing continuous knocks. Knocks on doors. Knocks on MY door. I fear that since the knocking does not stop, my tummy twists & I hold on to dear life as I open the door. I fear that when the door is slightly ajar, I catch a glimpse of masked men with knives. I fear that with that, they grab me by the shoulders, cover my mouth as I scream the hell out of myself & knock me with something hard, perhaps until I pass out.



I fear that when I open my eyes, I see my other family members on the opposite of myself, tied up together while I am tied up alone. I fear that when that happens, the burglars use me as a hostage, blackmailing mama & dad into giving them every nickle & dime we have in the bank. I fear that if my siblings/mama/dad tries to fight back & then they end up getting beaten.



I fear that when the theives are satisfisfied with what they have accomplished, they decide to take away someone's life. I fear that if they ever think of doing such a inhuman crime, they start beating up one of us & the others can do nothing but scream for help (useless) & cry the crap out of ourselves, still tied. I fear that when all of that is over, the dumb ass masked men leave with a smirk on their faces & a tone of satisfaction in their voice.



I fear that when they leave & run for their fucking life, I find myself looking at a corpse. Or better yet, BE the corpse.



- Every night, some nights my mind takes over & forces me to imagine of things such as these; while I shiver uncontrolably, horribly frightened. I hope this will never, EVER happen.

The Horror

Imagine loosing someone you really love. Your parents...... your siblings..... your bestfriends..... Oh the horror. I would do anything to avoid this from happening. Stop complaining & appreciate. Appreciate everything you have while they are still there. You will regret when it is too late...

I get too carried away sometimes. But no matter what, it narrows down to those times when I stop & think about everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel like cuddling a person, crying in their arms, wishing it would stop this terrible feeling, I know it wouldn't. Ustaz's words are playing in my mind. Though it is not the way to solve it, I keep on crying. And even harder.

Like I said, I have done countless sins. And I am trying to be a better person. I am. It is not as easy as it sounds. I want to escape from this terrible misery. Avoid all the phantom. Get away from this horror reality, where bad things happen frequently.

The world should be free. Free of misery. Free of pollutions. Free of abuse cases. Free of murders. Free of abductions. Free of everything. Everything bad, that is. Life would be so peaceful without these horrors. I hope one day, the Earth will stop pollut- I mean WE stop polluting Earth. WE stop doing horrid crimes. WE make the world better. I hope.

My mind travels on it's own. Through dark thoughts.. *shivers* I hate to imagine horrible things that could possibly happen. But I can never help myself. Imagine if your parents are gone.. for good. Imagine if one of your bestfriend is gone, forever. Imagine if....... I always end up crying when I think of these things. I never want them to come true. Never. Alright, enough imagining. Enough with the tragic thoughts. Calm down, self.

How how how how how & how?

How does it feel like to know when you're down, people come & say nice things to cheer you up? How does it feel like to be free? How does it feel like to be under my & your skin? How does it feel like to be able to do anything, without being judged? How does it feel like, to have life the way we want it to be? How does it feel like to not be a runt? How does it feel like to be the pretty one? How does it feel like to have many admirers Whether secret or not? How does it feel like to hold glory in your hands, without any effort? How does it feel like to be appreciated? Loved?

How do people get what they don't deserve?

So many questions. Once a day, I take my time & start staring out into space. Clear my mind, and think about all these things. Sometimes, my mind brings me to scary thoughts. One, that I could never imagine what will I become if it ever happens. Sometimes, deep in my soul, flashbacks of old treasures try to reach out to me. Bringing me back into the past. Haunting me, giving no mercy. I regret. I regret. I regret. I've done countless sins & I wish to start over. But I know it is impossible. Though I try, I know I can't do it. Though I try, my heart keeps telling me to not give up. Will I ever succeed?

I know one day, I will. One day. And as I wait for that day, I shall keep reminding myself to not forget my prayers. A change is all I need. A tweak of my personality. A change for my ruthless attitude. A change for the better. It is gonna take a while. Nobody changes for the better in just a split second. For you out there, who are doing the same as I am.. Goodluck. So I have a question..

How do you change for good?