Never Want This To Happen

I have a fear.



I fear that if one chilly night, while I am half asleep, I hear footsteps outside or in the upper living room. I fear that I will hear objects knocking each other, glass shattering on the floor & perhaps even hear ghostly-like whispers between two to five mysterious figures. I fear that out of curiousity, my body leaps up from bed, from my beauty sleep and turn on the lights just in case everything was just my imagination.



I fear that if it is not my imagination, I start hearing continuous knocks. Knocks on doors. Knocks on MY door. I fear that since the knocking does not stop, my tummy twists & I hold on to dear life as I open the door. I fear that when the door is slightly ajar, I catch a glimpse of masked men with knives. I fear that with that, they grab me by the shoulders, cover my mouth as I scream the hell out of myself & knock me with something hard, perhaps until I pass out.



I fear that when I open my eyes, I see my other family members on the opposite of myself, tied up together while I am tied up alone. I fear that when that happens, the burglars use me as a hostage, blackmailing mama & dad into giving them every nickle & dime we have in the bank. I fear that if my siblings/mama/dad tries to fight back & then they end up getting beaten.



I fear that when the theives are satisfisfied with what they have accomplished, they decide to take away someone's life. I fear that if they ever think of doing such a inhuman crime, they start beating up one of us & the others can do nothing but scream for help (useless) & cry the crap out of ourselves, still tied. I fear that when all of that is over, the dumb ass masked men leave with a smirk on their faces & a tone of satisfaction in their voice.



I fear that when they leave & run for their fucking life, I find myself looking at a corpse. Or better yet, BE the corpse.



- Every night, some nights my mind takes over & forces me to imagine of things such as these; while I shiver uncontrolably, horribly frightened. I hope this will never, EVER happen.

The Horror

Imagine loosing someone you really love. Your parents...... your siblings..... your bestfriends..... Oh the horror. I would do anything to avoid this from happening. Stop complaining & appreciate. Appreciate everything you have while they are still there. You will regret when it is too late...

I get too carried away sometimes. But no matter what, it narrows down to those times when I stop & think about everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I feel like cuddling a person, crying in their arms, wishing it would stop this terrible feeling, I know it wouldn't. Ustaz's words are playing in my mind. Though it is not the way to solve it, I keep on crying. And even harder.

Like I said, I have done countless sins. And I am trying to be a better person. I am. It is not as easy as it sounds. I want to escape from this terrible misery. Avoid all the phantom. Get away from this horror reality, where bad things happen frequently.

The world should be free. Free of misery. Free of pollutions. Free of abuse cases. Free of murders. Free of abductions. Free of everything. Everything bad, that is. Life would be so peaceful without these horrors. I hope one day, the Earth will stop pollut- I mean WE stop polluting Earth. WE stop doing horrid crimes. WE make the world better. I hope.

My mind travels on it's own. Through dark thoughts.. *shivers* I hate to imagine horrible things that could possibly happen. But I can never help myself. Imagine if your parents are gone.. for good. Imagine if one of your bestfriend is gone, forever. Imagine if....... I always end up crying when I think of these things. I never want them to come true. Never. Alright, enough imagining. Enough with the tragic thoughts. Calm down, self.

How how how how how & how?

How does it feel like to know when you're down, people come & say nice things to cheer you up? How does it feel like to be free? How does it feel like to be under my & your skin? How does it feel like to be able to do anything, without being judged? How does it feel like, to have life the way we want it to be? How does it feel like to not be a runt? How does it feel like to be the pretty one? How does it feel like to have many admirers Whether secret or not? How does it feel like to hold glory in your hands, without any effort? How does it feel like to be appreciated? Loved?

How do people get what they don't deserve?

So many questions. Once a day, I take my time & start staring out into space. Clear my mind, and think about all these things. Sometimes, my mind brings me to scary thoughts. One, that I could never imagine what will I become if it ever happens. Sometimes, deep in my soul, flashbacks of old treasures try to reach out to me. Bringing me back into the past. Haunting me, giving no mercy. I regret. I regret. I regret. I've done countless sins & I wish to start over. But I know it is impossible. Though I try, I know I can't do it. Though I try, my heart keeps telling me to not give up. Will I ever succeed?

I know one day, I will. One day. And as I wait for that day, I shall keep reminding myself to not forget my prayers. A change is all I need. A tweak of my personality. A change for my ruthless attitude. A change for the better. It is gonna take a while. Nobody changes for the better in just a split second. For you out there, who are doing the same as I am.. Goodluck. So I have a question..

How do you change for good?